How I dealth with Infidelity (AKA the wrong way)

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  • #547

    Kris

    Here is part of a post I did on my personal blog. It’s completely wrong and I didn’t know what to do back then. Highlighted text is my opinion on what you should do.

    —–

    I dealt with infidelity by holing up in my room and ignoring everyone
    who tried to contact me. After I told my (then) husband that it was over
    and we were getting a divorce, I dropped the kids off on my parent’s
    house and told them I would be leaving for a month. In that month I
    isolated myself and mostly just cried my eyes out. I was unhealthy, some
    days I did not eat anything at all, one meal a day was mostly what I
    had before going back to my bed and sleeping it off.

    This is wrong because you should ALWAYS seek support, either from family or friends. Holing up makes you depressed and think of things like suicide, or what will happen to your life now that you are a single parent. Not good. You need other people’s support and overall positive energy.

    I ignored my family, friends, and children completely, my kids did not
    know what was wrong with me and my parents had to lie to them. My
    parents knew my husband cheated on me, but I refused to accept help or
    support. My friends knew about the affair, but I was too embarrassed to
    tell them my husband cheated on me, and has been for the past few
    months. I was delusional, depressed, unhealthy, hateful,
    and embarrassed of what my relationship had become.Sometimes my crying
    turned into screaming, yelling, and cursing. I broke a lot of our
    things, threw plates against the wall, banged on the TV. I was out of
    control at times letting my emotions get the best of me.

    Children are not stupid. They will remember that lie your parents told them, and will figure it out as they grow up. Never lie to your kids, or people you love, and don’t let other people lie for you. Again, support from family, friends, or even support forums like this is a big help to your successful recovery. Holing up caused me a lot of depression, anger, and hate.

    If you have never been the victim of infidelity or have ever tried
    surviving an affair, you have NO IDEA what it feels like. It’s like
    someone took part of your life away, and told you that you can never
    have it back. It’s like being able to walk, and then suddenly getting
    hit by a car and needing to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair.
    That’s how bad it felt for me while I locked myself up. I contemplated suicide too, I was weak and naive.

    This is what holing up will do to you, make you think the worst, and could possibly lead to suicide. Ask help from your family, friends, or post on our support forum. Never try and take all of this alone, it can be done but it is leaps away from going through it with support of others who understand exactly what you are going through with infidelity.

    Even though I knew there was no way of undoing anything my spouse had
    done to our relationship, I still continued to hope that it would
    magically fix itself and we’d be a happy family again. I spent some
    nights even praying to god that he’d make my husband realize what he is
    doing to me and our family.

    Hoping won’t do anything for you really. You need to take action or continue being delusional. I continued on being delusional for several months, even after I was done holing up. It’s really painful, but you have to do it. I would rather have eye surgery than go through infidelity again, but if I could turn back time and go through it again with what I know now, I would simply move on and not spend any time on hating my ex husband. Just like a band aid, rip it off all at once.

    It took me nearly half a year to finally divorce him, I was not able to make up
    my mind because just maybe he would have wanted to save our marriage. I
    was wrong and he stuck with his younger mistress. The man I thought he
    was when I met him was all a facade, and I guess my father was right for
    not liking him from the very beginning.

    It took me almost 2 years before I started dating
    again. I found Michael, who like me, was cheated on by his spouse.
    After my delusional state when I still thought my husband was gong to
    change, I started participating on surviving infidelity forums all over
    the internet. A lot of them were helpful in my recovery, and some of
    them simply made me break down and cry because I knew exactly what they
    were talking about. Although I cried, it was still very much needed in
    feeling “normal” again. The way people looked at me
    after my husband had an affair was the look you’d give a homeless
    person who was dying. I felt so pathetic, if only they knew how hard it
    is to deal with infidelity.

    #549

    bleedingheart

    Such a moving story!

    I’m so happy that you found a new love in Michael! it seems like it’s so hard to move on once your loved one cheats on you, whether physically or emotionally.

    You give such great advice–holing up and keeping it to yourself is not the way to go about it! You really need the support of all your close relatives and friends especially since having a cheating spouse is a very very heavy burden on you. you feel like its a direct hit to your self-esteem and self image when you really really love someone.

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